What does it look like to live a life trying to always be liked?
Well, it starts first and foremost with usually not saying what's actually on your mind.
It means stuffing how you're really feeling.
And putting others' needs before your own.
Not wanting anyone to get upset.
To express disapproval.
Or to yell.
Can you say exhausting?
I am so done.
I have spent the greater part of my waking life seeking approval.
Which means not ruffling feathers.
Agreeing when I don't.
Finding a neutral response that doesn't begin to plumb the depth of my feelings.
If I keep this up much longer?
Illness. Sickness. Dis-ease.
No thank you.
So what does this look like?
We'll see, won't we?
A bit new for me, that's for sure.
But it means I will learn to sit quietly when someone feels uncomfortable with what I have to say. Instead of soothing it over and or somehow minimizing what I just said so THEY will feel better.
It means I will speak even when my voice shakes. (thank you Eleanor Roosevelt for that one)
Sometimes people will be angry at me. They might even raise their voice. Or yell.
The worst for me though? Is that they will disapprove of me.
With Disappoint a close second.
It holds so much power over me for some reason.
I may stumble along the way.
Perhaps I will mumble too.
But I know this ~
I cannot spend another minute of my life continuing this debilitating habit of always trying to be liked.
I need now, from this moment on, and for the rest of my life, to not care if you like me.
Don't think for a second that this doesn't scare the b'jeezus out of me.
But I am saying it here. Because I must.
Because my life depends on it.
Choosing love, still.
That has not changed.