Thursday, February 2, 2012

Honoring the In Between

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I've been feeling like I want to fly away.

Far away.

I'm not sure where exactly. But to a place where no one needs me, where there are no clocks or schedules, where I can sit and stare at the ocean, listening to the sounds of the waves, feet tucked into the warm sand.

I have the life I wanted 9 years ago. Mostly. So why am I wanting to chuck it all and flee?

What has brought me to this place?

For someone who has sought, persued, and reached for most of her life? This sitting and being is not going so very well.

I know of two possibilities, of dreams come true, and of complete acceptance of where I am at. Neither seems to apply at the moment.

I am swimming in a foggy morass of what feels like non-movement. Neither here. Nor there.

Analyzing it seems like wasted chatter.

Stepping back for a better view, elusive at best.

Action steps? Not even a smidgen.

Feeling sorry for myself? Oh yes, heaps of that.

Comparing myself to others? Danger, danger...

I see all of this. See what I am doing. See that I am chasing my tail.

And wondering...

A little scared.

Okay, maybe really scared.

Is this it?

Do I have no seeds of hope, of great dreams, of adventures to fulfill?

Somewhere.

Buried deep. I know they are there. I feel them.

But I cannot name them.

And that my dear friends, is the rub. I cannot name them.

In this world of go and strive and do and be... I am not so sure where I want to go, what I am striving for, nor what I want to be.

After so many years of the thrill of discovery of these very things? I have run out of steam.

Perhaps this is the lull in between?

Perhaps...

I share all of this not to mope, or complain, but to reflect, to ponder, to hold it up to the light and see what might shine forth.

Sometimes, there are days like these.

Love to all you lovelies, on this day in between, half way from Winter Soltice to Spring Equinox.

Honoring the in between.

6 comments:

  1. I feel like I'm right there with you sister!! Perhaps it's the Virgo in us? I kinda feel like a hamster in a cage with the door open....strange analogy but that's what just popped into my little noggin and yea it feels like that! So this in between - maybe it's like a much needed rest, a simmer before the boil, or the wait for this layer of paint to dry before going on to the next....whatever it is, know that I am here sending you lots of love!!!! xoxo

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  2. stay balanced with herbs witchy Indigo -- perimenopausal at all?

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  3. Hey friend, I can relate. You say it so well. The waiting, the wanting....the in between.
    bless you.
    Love.

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  4. Oh dear friend, you are exactly where you need to be! That in between time ... the season of Winter and going inward and dreaming and thinking but also resting, restoring, gaining the energy needed to help those new seeds burst forth once Spring has arrived. I think of bear and how cranky she would be if we interrupted her nap! For me the challenge is to honor this time, otherwise I will burn myself out later on ...

    Sending you much love and chocolate xo Lis

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  5. Is that what all these feelings of nothingness are about. I hear ya sister. I'm feeling like all my 41 years of strive strive strive, struggle struggle struggle, push push push, do do do are now coming to an end and I don't care about anything anymore. I don't want to do all the things I've felt I had to do to be valuable, all the things I thought I had to be in order to be considered worthy. I now just want to be at peace, be happy, and just be me. No more kitchen witch, no more nutrition expert, no more putting myself into roles that I then have to play out and exhaust me. I'm done. No more businesses, no more non-profits, no more schooling, no more trying to be bigger and better that only leaves me burned out. I'm done.
    xoxoxo

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  6. Such a difficult place to be in. Yet it is quite possible the uncomfortable place in the womb before birth. Also, just based on what you've said here, I am wondering if the planet Neptune is at play here. It has just entered the sign of Pisces. Maybe a transit of some kind in your astrology chart.
    Much love-
    Angela

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