Friday, September 21, 2012

Saying YES

Yesterday was one of those days that sucked every last ounce of energy I had out of me. Nothing particular happened. No horrible events, news or catastrophes. 

Well, the cat pee'd on the bed to start the day off. But that seemed like small potatoes in the bigger scope of things.

It was a day where I felt done. Tired. Enough. No more. This ride called being human had worn me out. Not that I was in a space of removing myself from this life. No, nothing like that. But I was just so exhausted of the sameness, the slowness, the conflicting messages of "hard work" vs. "let it unfold," the need to strive and have goals vs. just be and listen to your inner voice, that there are lessons to be learned and the shit will just keep happening until you learn them...  Really? Seriously? Which IS it? Is THIS why we're here on this planet? To navigate again and again through the never-ending layers?

No thanks.

So I called a time out yesterday. Nope. Not gonna buy into ANY of it. I'm just gonna let it suck. Close the curtains, turn off my phone, stay away from the computer, and watch a couple movies. Let the world do what it needs to do but I no longer want to participate.

That was yesterday.

But it felt like I needed to just let go. That my only choice was to throw in the white flag. Surrender to it. Fine. 

Luckily I got a really good night's sleep.

Today started out better. The mood lifted, the muck felt released and purged. Mostly.

So this morning I did what I know deep down inside I need to do (and often forget), I painted.

And I cried. And released some more.

I also asked out loud for help, and wrote it down.

Then I decided - from where or from what depths I have no idea - but I FINALLY felt ready to paint on one of the gi-normous canvases I had bought last spring. Three feet by four feet!!! HUGE in my book! I ripped off the plastic, set up a space for it, and said out loud (partly out of exasperation, partly out of desperation, but also holding onto a sliver of hope)...

"I'm ready to go BIG! You hear me? Ready!!!"

And so I did. 

I started.


I also got a phone call that the short sale on our house was approved. 
It took less than a month!!! 

Miracle?

Perhaps.

Movement forward for sure. 
Some serious "unstuckness" occurring right before my very eyes.

Ok.

Thank you.

I believe.

And I'm gonna keep painting.

4 comments:

  1. Oh how I wish I could be with you painting, sharing, crying and laughing! Keep believing, keep yourself open and big and juicy ... I guess, keep being you?!
    ;) love you!
    xo Lis

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  2. <3 What a wonderful day! Learning to accept, let go... and MOVE BIG obstacles! You are truly inspirational!! <3

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