Friday, January 27, 2012

Perseverance

Today's card?


Perseverance.

Fun.

That's what it's feeling like. Not all the time mind you. A little heavy though when it hits, this past week, or month, it seems to be hitting way more often.

See, I was gifted with such profound insights during my Soul Retrieval, yet here I am, still "in the same place."

(For more on what a Soul Retrieval is, go here.)

And I'm struggling.

Struggling to keep those gifts in perspective when I still have bills to pay, a job to go to, a house to tend to, family to care for, errands to run...

And I want to say, "well now what?" What do I do with this great insight into my very being?

What do I do with this "remembering" of what I have been, where I come from, the extreme hugeness of this universe?

I realize this is a bit cryptic. And though that is not my intent, it's just that this is the "weird" stuff I was talking about earlier. I don't even know where to begin sharing all that's spinning around inside me.

But I'll try.

All right, so here's where I'm coming from. You can take or leave whatever rings true for you. If however you do not jive with the concept of reincarnation, let alone guardians & guides, ancestor spirits, or terms like "through the veil," then the following may be a bit of a stretch. Just enjoy it as a good story then. No pressure, k?

This walk we're doing, here on Earth, it's just a teensy fraction of what's really going on in the universe. Some of us have invested heavily in this whole Earth thing and have done this many, many times. Others of us, newer to this planet, have tried it out less often. You've heard the term "old soul," right? That's the gist. This is not saying that some are "better" than others, it's just different experiences. But apparently I've been doing this thing a long, long, long time. And though this is "news" to me, to learn this, it's not new at all. When I sit with this tidbit of information, and truly FEEL it, deep down? Bells ring, whistles blow, tears well up, my heart does a little jump. I "know" it. I know that this is true.

(By the way, it's not a karmic debt kinda thing, nope, my being here again and again and again has a different twist to it, but that's for another story.)

But here I am. Bouncing around this thing called life. A life that is damn good, but far from perfect or trouble-free. Feeling all so human in my daily routines. And wondering if I have so much wisdom behind me, why the hell do I feel like I still have so much to learn?

Big Sigh.

Of course, that's the point isn't it? That's why we come here. To experience all of it. There isn't good or bad, that's just all perception. It all just IS. What value we place on these things in life? Like kittens being cute and good, but cat vomit being disgusting and bad? From the bigger picture? It's just the stuff of life. The point really is to stop being so attached to this "goodness" or "badness" and to just see it as "is-ness."

Whatever.

Today? This past week? This past month? Feeling mired in the values of goodness or badness while at the same time "knowing" it's just a game. And so feeling a bit loopy, a bit crazy, neither here nor there.

And pulling a card that's reminding me to persevere.

That this too shall pass. Breathe into it. Then release it. Let it go.

Doing my best. Thanks for doing it along with me. Knowing I'm not alone on this crazy mixed up ride does make it better.









Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Believe in Synchronicity

Yesterday I went in search of a photo for my last blog post. I opened the big box of photo albums I have and grabbed what I thought was one of my albums from when I traveled through China.

But it wasn't that one at all. It was one from when I was living and working in the Czech Republic. Smack dab in the middle of that album? The ones that the album fell open to when I grabbed it?



Yep.
Me.
In Paris!

I had spent a week there visiting friends that summer.

Do you think it was just by chance that of all the albums in that box, of all the pages to have that album fall open to, it was that one?

You do know I'm in the midst of this incredibly HUGE Francophile phase, right?

It's perfect synchronicity.

And synchronicity has a very strong role to play in our lives. If we just pay attention.

When you start aligning with your true north, the path you are meant to lead, things happen, energy shifts the world around and conspires to bring you what you want. The converse it true too. When you are off your mark, heading in the wrong direction? Nothing seems to flow or work either.

But you have to pay attention. Sometimes the signs are subtle. Sometimes they are pretty obvious. But you still have to pay attention.

And so.

I am SO paying attention to THIS!

Paris!

How exciting!

What kinds of synchronicity have been visiting you these days?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Happy New Year

Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year.

Happy New Year!

Years and years ago I visited China. My son was asking me how long ago... oh boy. When I did the math? 20 years ago! Yikes. Where DOES the time go?

Me, Great Wall, China, 1992

When there my friend and I visited the great wall, and while walking around we met someone that was excited to meet some Americans and practice his English. He shared with us the history of the wall, interesting tidbits, and useful facts. To this day we still exchange holiday cards and emails. It's been a great way to keep that moment alive for me and a cross cultural exchange as well.

He emailed yesterday with greetings for the new year. And he mentioned that it was the year of the Dragon. Here's what he had to say:

A Dragon symbolizes strong power. He is a symbol of luck, virtue, peace and long life. He will do everything to make his dream true. He is also passionate, brave and generous.


Well that sounds like some good juju for the coming year. Wouldn't you agree?

Happy New Year to you!

May all your dreams come true!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Oh the Places You'll Go...

Remember this half-journal cover?

The "dutch-door" cover?


Here's the "true" cover behind it.


Hang on folks! I have a feeling it's going to be a wild year.

For this year, I am continuing on my 43 paintings for my 43rd year.


One by one, onward I go!

What does your creativity look like so far this year?


Friday, January 20, 2012

A Gift

So recently, this place I like to go? The customer service has been kinda, well, meh. And the reason I like to go there so much is because of the connection I feel when I'm there. To not feel that connection has been a bummer.

And guess what I assume? I assume that the connection isn't there because, surely, I have done something to offend the folks running the place. They are giving me the cold shoulder not because they are busy, or have personal things going on, or are stressed about business... oh no. They don't like me anymore. Clearly that's what's going on.

Seriously?

I know.

But folks, this is the pattern of my life. Welcome to my world. From my earliest memories at pre-school, yep, that long, I have worried about being liked. And when someone is having a bad day? I take it personally. What I've done or who I am has offended someone.

Can you say very thin skinned? Very.

These two pests? "Taking-It-Personally" and "Being-Liked"? They remind me of these two pesky beings.



Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Long time acquaintances. Comfortable old souls.

But you know what? I think I'm done.

Done with them. This Thing 1 who whispers on one shoulder that "Surely that guy over there did not smile at you because your parenting skills lack in oh so many ways." And over on the other shoulder Thing 2 whispers, "Your art? A little OUT there isn't it? That's why it languishes on the wall not being sold." In unison they shout, "People don't like you and yes, it's all about you!"

Can you believe it?

Enough.

I just need to get over it. I need to let people not like me. Or not get me. Or not want to be my friend. I need to understand that people have bad days or bad lives that have NOTHING to do with me whatsoever.

Duh.

But again and again I've watched myself reacting in pain instead of holding the wisdom in my heart that I have SO much to share. To be who I am meant to be, completely, no holding back, regardless of how it will be received out there in the world.

It's a doozy of a lesson. One of those grand karmic lessons, you know? Releasing this need to PLEASE others, to get their APPROVAL...

Being able to take off that mantle, to hold it out away from me and to really see it?

This is exactly what I need to do. To no longer see myself as someone who needs approval. Or needs to be liked. Or needs to worry about what the other 6 billion people on the planet think of me.

I need to stand in my center, and share all of who I am, all the time.

And if someone doesn't jive with who I am? THAT'S OKAY!

Sheesh. You'd think it'd be so easy, right?

Getting there. I am.

That has been my gift this week. To see how I have been doing this for my entire life, and that it's time to stop.

Finally.

Breaking through some karmic shit. Ready to kick some butt!

Oh yah!


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Finding My Voice

One of the very clear messages I received from my Soul Retrieval ritual was that I need to speak up. To stop hiding. To share my view of the world.

This scares me quite a bit. (To say the least.)

So much so, that in getting used to this idea, I created an alias blog where I could practice and start revealing bits of me without anyone knowing. But after just two posts, which both felt very bold for me, I realized that no, I need to do it here.

To stop this very thing of HIDING who I am.

The point being to actually be seen, right?

Creating a secret blog was in direct opposition to this, wasn't that obvious?

So a couple days ago in a daring risk of bravado (to me it felt that way!) I shared a link that expresses one itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny fraction of something I believe in. And instantly felt that it was quite a - let's say - in your face kind of declaration.

"Believe or not" I dared.

But that's because I was nervous. I was fumbling for words. I was sputtering and spewing out something quickly and in great haste. And after years and years of building up layer upon layer that masks and hides my beliefs and perspectives... well, I felt quite awkward and a bit defensive. Though that certainly wasn't my intention when hitting the publish button. But that's how it read to me.

So here I am. Back again. Giving you that
little backfill, ready to try again.

Speaking my truth.

Bit by bit.

"Deception"

The picture on this card?
You see where Owl is?
Right at the Throat.

Perfect.

The Throat Chakra? All about listening to one's intuition and other realms, communication, expressing oneself, creativity and creating.

And Owl? Magic and darkness, it can hear and see what is normally hidden, it travels in the dark and brings back nourishment. When we lose our way it will guide us back to our purpose and path.

The Card? Deception. What has been hidden? What needs to be revealed?

Whew.

No pressure.

And so I'm just not sure where to begin.

But I wanted to let you know.

That's where I'm at, in the beginning weeks of this new year.

Ready to start sharing all of me.

As wacky as it may get, I'm finally ready.

Eeeek.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Future Is Here


THIS, is what I'm talking about my friends.


Well, in my head I talk about this ALL the time. It's not often I share this with others out in the big world. Because you know, some folks just aren't on board. And I am SO not into "debating" this, whether it's "real" or not. Either you believe, or you don't.

If you do?

Join me in celebrating the most amazing things happening all over this beautiful orb of a planet we call home.

Change is afoot. More than you even know!



Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Happy Friggin' New Year

So this is what I'd like to say to the first week of the new year:


Happy New Year.

Whatever.

I've been reading lots of wonderful posts on 2011 recaps, lessons learned and steps ahead and blogs for 2012 on intentions, dreams, goals and wishes.

All good stuff.

But I have SO not been in that space.

Found myself instead avoiding the computer and the interwebs and the new year positiveness all together, and instead immersing myself in yet another English-Speaking-Native living in Paris/France book, and studying French like a fiend (I am a complete beginner).

It's all rather bizarre behavior.

Can't quite explain it.

Well no, that's not true. I can explain parts of it.

A couple weeks before Christmas I did a very special, very personal, and hugely powerful Soul Retrieval. It was profound.

Deep deep deep stuff.

After?

Life resumed its "normal" course. But everything is different now.

Everything.

Shit.

So much of what I was going on about in 2011 now seems almost irrelevant. (Okay, yes, I know, there is nothing wasted in the Universe, it ALL matters... but you know what I mean, right?)

Suddenly the winds have shifted and I'm left wondering...

What the hell now?

Wowsers.

This still doesn't explain the Francophile tendencies.

Going with it.

Right?

What else can I do? Hide my head under the pillows and wait for it all to go away?
(Oh right. As IF I had THAT option. Trust me, if it were anywhere near possible to do that? I'd so be there!)

Fortunately, the fog has lifted, now on the 10th day of this new calendar year.

(Don't get me started on the insanity of this calendar we all use and have collectively agreed to, Gregorian, ha, so not relevant to ANYTHING in nature - but I digress.)

So, where was I?

Oh, yes, 10 days into it, feeling MUCH better. Can get excited for others and their awesome starts to this year. Yay Team!

And, despite myself, I've gotten into it too. Started walking (I KNOW!), having an extra day off each week this year due to funding cuts (this makes me VERY happy just so you know, do not fret), bought a new art journal for the year, started a new painting, and have committed myself to what's been waiting all along.

Me.

My inner me. Not a career. Not my artistic path. Not the next big thing.

Just inner "work" and focus. And lots of self-love, nurturing, and taking care of this vessel called my body.

About friggin' time.

~~~

Here is part of the cover for my 2012 art journal. It's only part because it has this cool flap thing that came with it, like a dutch door, that when opened reveals a whole nother cover behind it. And it was simply a regular old journal that I found at the big box office supply store. Way Kewl!


I think I might try howling at the moon a lot this year.

You have been warned.

How's your new year starting?