Friday, June 7, 2013

Who Am I Anyway?

This will be rambly.... you are forewarned.

I seem to be in this strange never-never-land. The in-between. A transition? The pause perhaps. Like something major is coming. But not yet.

That's what it feels like.

If you're into numerology I'm in a 4 year. (If you're not and think it's a bunch of hoohaa, skip this part. Or actually if you're curious about it, I have some links at the end of this post.) A year of "hard work" and "breakthroughs." Gee, doesn't that sound like fun. But I happened to look back to the last two times in my life when I was in 4 years and it's actually kind of encouraging. THOSE years were huge transition years. Not much happened. But SO much happened. They were years of major shifts, but internally, not externally. So they are serving as a much needed reminder that this year too is bringing that gift - things they are a'changin'. Just not overtly. Can we say patience? Yah right. I'm trying...

What it boils down to? A lot of unknowns. Lack of clarity. Every direction sounds interesting. Then none of them do. Where do I take my art? What about my work career (if you could call it that)? What do I do with this interest in French? And wine? Anything? Nothing?

So as I wonder about all these things, I also ponder who the heck I am these days. For so long my identity was wrapped up in sustainability, ecology, organic, healthy, green, permaculture, back-to-the-land movement, natural living, planning my straw bale house, etc, etc. And though those values are deeply ingrained in who I am, they aren't at the forefront any longer. And I'm not sure what is taking their place. So I guess I'm having an identity crisis? Maybe I should just call it a mid-life crisis and leave it at that. It'll pass, right?

First world problem - the privilege and angst of navel gazing. Ha.

photo credit here
But really? Here's what it is. There's part of me that is bursting at the seams to be expressed. I am a deeply spiritual person. Yet in my day to day life I keep it pretty secular. One, I'm a pretty private person. Next, there is this great fear of being judged and not liked. I KNOW I need to let that go. But let's face it, there are those that are not comfortable with "different." And my beliefs are definitely "out there." My views challenge many well-entrenched belief systems. Second, I am in no way interested in defending, "proving" or justifying my beliefs to anyone. Your beliefs are yours, and mine are mine. That's the great thing about this planet, there are a zillion different ways to "be," please don't ask me to "convince" you that mine are right and therefore valid. And lastly, because nothing bugs me more than being preached to, I don't want my enthusiasm for my spiritual path to come across in any way as pedantic or proselytizing. I am NOT interested in converting you to my beliefs. Trust me. So I hold back. Unclear on exactly how I find that balance. Stuffing what is probably the best part of me into a silent hole.

I'm thinking that this is making me a little nutso. The one area of my life that means the most to me and I keep in locked up inside? Not exactly healthy now, is it?

Perhaps THAT's the mid-life/identity crisis? Duh.

So, that's where I'm at. Really.

Wanting to put myself out there more. To stop hiding, to let go of worrying about what others will think of me. 

Not sure what that's gonna look like. But I have to start somewhere.

Will be giving it my best shot. Stay tuned...


 
By the way, here are those numerology links: go here for a very basic intro, or here for a more in depth look and to get started.

5 comments:

  1. I really hear you. I am experiencing same kinds of things. I am in a 2 year. But the hiding thing-wanting to control how people perceive me-- is huge and it runs deep. I want to shift that too, I I do share some things that I never could have shared a few years ago-- but still I agonize over what I can and can not say. Maybe that's not such a terrible thing. Some people over- share and over-extend their welcome as far as I am concerned in how much of themselves they put out there. It becomes offensive after a while. So I think striking a balance between sharing generously and bravely and yet being respectful of how much noise we make with me me me- how much attention we expect to get is the thing. There's a lot of people talking, selling and expressing right now and I get confused with it all and where my voice fits int. Thanks for the thought provoking and insightful post.

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  2. thanks for posting this. I love the way you express yourself. and sometimes tender needs private. I appreciate that the whole world doesn't need to see my under belly and know every bit of my story. And it is sweet to express deep truths and be seen in our uniquness. I love experiencing you through your amazing images and colors. And thank you too Lynna for your sage views on living.

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  3. ah yes....so very much hearing you on this. for a time there, i was very "out" with my personal beliefs and spirituality but then i reigned it all in because, like you say, i don't want my personal enthusiasm and epiphanies to add to the "noise". still, stifling my deeper truths has led me to a breaking point...and that manifested in walking away from financial security etc. etc. but i simply couldn't muffle myself any longer...i had been living two separate existences and it had left me exhausted and disconnected from the things that i hold dear.

    anyway..here's me blathering in you comment-space....:) so yeah, nutshell version? i totally get it and will be delighted to receive whatever you choose to share....

    xoxoxo

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  4. gah!! "reined"....

    i hate when people do that and then i went and did it myself...LOL

    all my love, the spelling nazi.

    xoxo


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  5. I so relate to your feelings of transition and being stuck in the center, with no real clear direction illuminated. I'm not in the 'broom closet,' so to speak, so that part of my life is free and open. I didn't get to that place until the last few years and when I moved into middle age. I worry less about what others think and more about being genuine to myself.

    Yes, there are some who react in negative ways, but I've honestly found them few and far between. Most people are interested and curious. At the very least, most are kind. I've also found that many of my primarily metaphysical beliefs are shared by a wide variety of people from myriad religious backgrounds...we just use different terminology for them. That has been a welcome understanding for me and most of them.

    I wish you peace and strength on your journey.

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