I seem to be in this strange never-never-land. The in-between. A transition? The pause perhaps. Like something major is coming. But not yet.
That's what it feels like.
If you're into numerology I'm in a 4 year. (If you're not and think it's a bunch of hoohaa, skip this part. Or actually if you're curious about it, I have some links at the end of this post.) A year of "hard work" and "breakthroughs." Gee, doesn't that sound like fun. But I happened to look back to the last two times in my life when I was in 4 years and it's actually kind of encouraging. THOSE years were huge transition years. Not much happened. But SO much happened. They were years of major shifts, but internally, not externally. So they are serving as a much needed reminder that this year too is bringing that gift - things they are a'changin'. Just not overtly. Can we say patience? Yah right. I'm trying...
What it boils down to? A lot of unknowns. Lack of clarity. Every direction sounds interesting. Then none of them do. Where do I take my art? What about my work career (if you could call it that)? What do I do with this interest in French? And wine? Anything? Nothing?
So as I wonder about all these things, I also ponder who the heck I am these days. For so long my identity was wrapped up in sustainability, ecology, organic, healthy, green, permaculture, back-to-the-land movement, natural living, planning my straw bale house, etc, etc. And though those values are deeply ingrained in who I am, they aren't at the forefront any longer. And I'm not sure what is taking their place. So I guess I'm having an identity crisis? Maybe I should just call it a mid-life crisis and leave it at that. It'll pass, right?
First world problem - the privilege and angst of navel gazing. Ha.
|photo credit here|
I'm thinking that this is making me a little nutso. The one area of my life that means the most to me and I keep in locked up inside? Not exactly healthy now, is it?
Perhaps THAT's the mid-life/identity crisis? Duh.
So, that's where I'm at. Really.
Wanting to put myself out there more. To stop hiding, to let go of worrying about what others will think of me.
Not sure what that's gonna look like. But I have to start somewhere.
Will be giving it my best shot. Stay tuned...
By the way, here are those numerology links: go here for a very basic intro, or here for a more in depth look and to get started.