Thursday, April 30, 2015

Full Circle - Er - Make That Spiral

For a very long while I wanted a very simple life. And that meant a simple rural life: living in the country, big garden, eco-friendly home, baking my own bread, community of like minded folks... Suddenly, somewhere, that started to shift. I found myself not as enamored with country living as I thought I was. 

But if not that, because I had wanted it for so very long, then what? Over 15 years ago in grad school I had the opportunity to become very mindful about what my life was going to look like. How I was I going to shape it into being. The visioning began in full earnest and hasn't really let up since. But who I thought I was 15 years ago has certainly shifted. 

As I started to peel back the layers, I realized that I still seek a simple life, but that definition has become broader, or maybe more specific? Meaning, more aligned with who I really am, not what I thought I wanted to be. I like home grown veggies, but perhaps I do not need to be the one growing them? I never really did get into the zone when baking bread. And the first attempt at eco-building was a straw bale chicken coop that probably better served it's purpose when it was knocked down and became mulch.

I've gotten to a place now where simple living might mean less commitment to "plans" and "goals" and more time for wondering and wandering. Because I'm kinda tired of constantly seeking and striving for some mapped out life. 

Yet. It's what I've been doing for so long... To trust my intuition? To trust those whims (that I just followed two days ago by coming back to this space)? To not doubt the little or big signs along the way? That takes some serious adjustments. I have filled journal pages full of moments where I'm not trusting. Feeling stuck. Writing, "I just need to FIGURE IT OUT." 

That "it?" Oh. My life. No less. Oye.

And no. I don't actually. I don't need to figure it all out. 

I know the source of all of this shifting and changing. It was when I started painting. And not just art classes 101. But intuitive painting. (Connie!) I started listening to some inner source rather than using my brain to plan out my life. But I still feel like a newbie. Still learning to let go. To trust. 

So for the past few years, exercising that intuitive muscle, I started following my interests that I didn't even know I had: learning French, listening to and learning about soukous music from Congo and beyond, becoming a certified class-A wine-geek, taking an interest in clothes (what!? I KNOW! - I still don't like shopping, never will), loving living close to nature but happy to do that in a small town rather than on the land... all these things, I didn't think they were me all those years ago. Yet. They were! If I peel back layers even further, I can find traces of that me that was too busy being in her head to listen to her heart. 

So here I am. Reclaiming a chunk of me, with a whole lot of soul searching under my belt, not back where I began, but a level or two up, ready to see what adventures I will get into next. No map. No plan. Just a huge curiosity and deep thirst for adventure. Spiraling 'round...

Life is good.

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